Friday, April 27, 2012


So, the doctor told me in January that I need to lose a little weight.

My metabolism totally misunderstood the doctor's instructions and instantly set about helping me GAIN a little weight. So that little, added to the little I was supposed to loose has now become a LOT!

Several years ago I set out on a "wrinkle reduction plan" that I thought was brilliant. Simply gain three pounds every year and it seems to stretch out the wrinkles so they aren't really noticeable. It only took three years into that plan to discover that all the "wrinkle reduction" was also causing serious amounts of "wardrobe reduction". Sigh.

Now, I'm not blaming this latest round with "sudden weight gain" on anyone else. And I certainly wouldn't name names. But our recent guests from England (Phil and Sue) sure do love ice cream. And a Southern woman can NOT allow her guests to eat alone.

I ask you, what was I to do?!

Yes, I know. "Be sure your sins will find you out."

Anyway, I decided that the main problem here was with a pivotal foundation garment that wasn't living up to its full advertised purpose any longer. These things are guaranteed to slim you one to two dress sizes. (Provided you can get into said foundational garment without injuring your back!)

So, when I stumbled upon a package that contained not one but TWO new foundation garments at Sam's Club last week, I knew that improvement was on the horizon.

I mean, Sam's deals with oversize matters. That's their target audience. They handle oversize commodities better than anyone I know. And to top it off.........this particular package of foundation forming wear was on sale! I took it as a sign from above.

(Actually, I should have stopped to question what woman in her right mind buys foundation garments at Sam's Club?! But the sale price blinded me.)

The pictures on the package gave rise to great hope.

There was the obligatory "With Tapemeasure Ultra Slimming Seamless Shorts" and "Without Tapemeasure Ultra Slimming Seamless Shorts".

WITH was definitely better!

The largest picture was of a woman's bottom half wearing only the ultra slimming shorts, a tape measure and a matching pair of black, slingback stilettos.

(The tape measure shown wrapped around her tiny waist was only a marketing ploy. None of the numbers was actually legible!)

The copy on the package heralded the idea that these new ultra slimming shorts by Tapemeasure are "The Fit Solution". So clever, those copywriters!

Apparently, scientists at NASA have chosen to refocus all their collective brain power into women's wear, now that the space shuttle has been scrapped.

Just in time for my crisis! Lucky Me!!

These people are the very ones responsible for the "NEW slimming technology improving tummy, hips and thighs". End quote.

They went on to explain: 1. shapes thighs 2. smooths tummy 3. enhances rear. Well, two out of three isn't bad.

I was pushed over the edge with delight when I read the description of the colors I'd just selected: BUFF and BLACK MAGIC!

I thought to myself, "Slow metabolism? Fooey! I've got slimming technology from NASA in buff and black magic!"

Remember how your mom always warned you to break in a pair of new shoes slowly? She cautioned you against wearing them to school the first day because you would surely have blisters and aching feet by the end of all that wear time, remember?

Moms are so smart!

But I had a crisis! Instead of a perky posterior like Pippa's, I've been dealing with a blossoming behind of battlefield proportions.

So, on Sunday morning I threw caution and reason to the wind. I struggled, gasped, heaved and finally squished all of my broadened self into my lovely new black magic foundation garment from Sam's.

(If you're reading this in an office, try not to laugh out loud, okay? This post is for dear friends only!)

I was short of breath for just a little while.

The reflection in the mirror didn't look exactly like the woman on the package but that was because I no longer own any stilettos. I was just thrilled that my Sunday outfit zipped easily. Off to church I went, confident that everyone would notice the improvement.

I won't bore you with the long version of this story. Suffice it to say, I was quite relieved when the space age technology finally kicked in. This meant I was no longer seeing black dots before my eyes and breathing became much less labored.

But Sunday mornings, for us, are pretty long. Staff prayer at 8:00. A rehearsal at 9:00. Corporate prayer at 10:00. Service at 10:30. Lunch and leadership meeting after service.

By the time I got to a restroom and could extricate myself from the new ultra slimming short, I felt sure things would never be the same again!

The price of contrived beauty? Painful at best. Embarrassing at worst.

Not real sure I'll try a repeat performance of this for tomorrow's Spring Tea and Luncheon. Then again, maybe the buff garment is a little more stretchy. Hmmmmmm...............


  1. Okay...I am at work....lips vice gripped together so as not to laugh at the picture you painted so humerously...vice grips still holding firm. So understand!

    I've battled weight most of my life. However, I'm currently using a low-carb diet (aka Atkins), I have so far managed a 15 lb. loss with ongoing weight loss and I do not lack for food. The only thing I truly miss is good old Italian bread - no low carb replacement for that! I've used this diet in my younger days as a short term weight loss, but this is first time using as a lifestyle change.

    I am being followed by my doctor with this diet and here's my story: immediately started diet because triglycerides were so high (over 600) that cholesterol couldn't be counted. After 3 weeks using Atkins, I had blood work redone. Went for recheck visit with doc. Doc asked if I was taking fish oil regularly. "Er..umm...sorta...maybe 3 days/week if I remember, but eating low carb. Why?" The answer was that my triglycerides had dropped over 500 points and all cholesterol levels were in normal range AND aforementioned weight loss (10 lbs at that appt) had occured. Also, my energy has greatly increased and I'm just beginning to exercise (like mow the at the elliptical machine...think about sit-ups - lol - baby steps). Also, the first weight to come off with Atkins is often a lot of water/fluid retention over the first 1-2 weeks so is not a dangerously rapid loss of all fat.

    I am well aware of the conflicting reports about Atkins over the past 30 years and hope you'll read the book to understand the science behind it (if you're not familiar with it already)and notice all the knock-offs (South Beach, etc.)that hopped on the bandwagon. They did it for a good reason - it works, though none work as well for me as Atkins.

    I don't want to "rock" a bikini at 57, but sure would like to "rock" a one piece without a skirt! lol

    Sorry for long post, but figured sharing blood test results and weight loss concerning this way of eating for me was worth sharing!

    Ciao, Bella!

  2. I bought some of these at Sam's today, and after trying them on, I took my scissors and cut the crotch out of it, thinking that would make the bathroom issue a little easier. Ha! When I put them back on my inner thighs looked like flesh covered waterballons poking out of the hole. Next time (if there is a next time), maybe I'll just cut out a section as small as possible but still functional from the crotch. :)