Warning #1 - This is a total "GIRL" post. Men won't enjoy it at all.
Warning #2 - This is strictly from the humorous file! Not a single, spiritually-significant point to be found. Unless you count "laughter is good medicine."
I found my mother-of-the-bride dress back in May. A bit of a miracle really. We were searching for possible bridesmaids' dresses when I spotted it. Someone else had already determined it to be the perfect dress for their special event and had it on hold near the register.
It's that ambiguous taupe/gold/neutral color that I've never thought I could wear well. But I wanted to just try it on and see. The young sales lady agreed; so I slipped into an adjoining dressing room.
When I came out, the girls all had a fit! (Which is southern for "became visibly excited!") Although it would need some alterations, it truly was a stunning dress. Turns out I can wear that color after all.
They grabbed a camera phone and snapped a couple of pictures.
Did I mention that it was marked down - 75% off the regular price?!! More attractive still!
"Well if this lady doesn't come back, please call me." I gave the sales lady my cell number.
"I certainly will! You need that dress for your daughter's wedding! I'll keep my fingers crossed." The young lady helping us had gotten excited with us. My sister says it's an affliction we have - drawing other people into our vortex of life. I prefer to call it a gift!
Long story short - the other lady did NOT come back. Adriana (the sales specialist) called right away to excitedly report that the dress was mine for the taking!
I got it home and immediately started working to lose a few pounds. I am, after all, a pastor's wife. Just because I can zip something, doesn't necessarily mean I should wear it!
Walking toward everyone, the dress looked perfectly modest in every way. But when I turned sideways or walked away? My "derriere dilemma" became immediately apparent.
Most women have an area of their body they would change if they could. And for most of my life, the part I would gladly change (by diminishing it), followed me everywhere I went!
Mom made most of my clothes during the growing up years. There was always a noticeable dip in the hem to compensate for the extra distance the back of my skirts had to travel.
(This became a real problem for my younger sister when she got my hand-me-downs. She didn't have a derriere at all, it seemed. Consequently, when she wore my clothes, it looked like Mom had made a terrible mistake with the hem which hung forlornly in the back.)
I spent a lot of time standing next to walls and sitting as a teenager. Dress patterns and fabrics were chosen based on their ability to slenderize and camouflage body flaws. Industrial strength pantyhose kept everything contained on Sundays.
Fortunately, I married a man who saw my derriere dilemma as a positive, not a negative trait at all! He could always spot me on campus he said, because my skirts did a cute little flip when I walked.
A few years ago, while watching a fun movie with the girls, I discovered that I was simply ahead of my time. The lovely female star was walking away from the camera and the vent on her stylish trench coat was pulled open badly because of her own derriere dilemma.
I was mortified on behalf of my newly found derriere dilemma buddy. "Why in heaven's name didn't the costuming department check that before they sent her out to be filmed?" I asked the girls. "Just look! She must have been so embarrassed when she saw that they didn't fit that properly!"
The girls looked at one another then burst into laughter.
"Mom! That's her claim to fame," they explained. "She's known for the junk in her trunk."
"The junk in what trunk?" I asked, bewildered. I'd never heard the expression before.
"She has a nice bootie and she shows it off whenever she can." (My girls have always enjoyed educating Mom!)
So here I am at 57, having chosen a dress that's truly lovely; but still a little concerned about how it will look as I walk past people to take my place at the front of the church on October 24th.
As you age, things shift. Well, they actually start to droop. And in most cases, that's not such happy news.
Short Aside: WHY do clothing designers highlight this? They intentionally choose names like - Sag Harbor and New Dimensions! There's even an entire clothing store known as Dress BARN! "Barn" brings to my mind large, lumbering animals like cows and pigs! REALLY?! End of rant; return to post.
Compensating for the droop demands a return to industrial strength foundational garments. And an entire evening wearing such garments can cause discomfort, breathlessness or even fainting. (Thankfully, I haven't experienced that!)
I'm getting to the GREAT NEWS.......
For those of us who've struggled through the years with too much "junk in our proverbial trunks" the age shift actually brings us to the proportions enjoyed by the other two-thirds of the female population!
Oh, Happy Day! Thanks to the ten pounds I've sweated off and the alterations adjustments and the all-important age shift.........I won't need any breath-suppressing under-garments at all for the wedding!
My Derriere Dilemma has been dodged, yet again!
Just thought you'd enjoy smiling with me on this Monday!