Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Sickness Satire

Okay, it's official!

I'm totally and completely finished with being sick!!

This is the end of my third day out of commission and I'm just done. I had calculated in my little brain which was riddled with drugs that probably today, the third day, would be my "comeback kid" time. I mean, good gracious, Jesus rose from the DEAD in three days; this is only bronchitis!

Sure enough, when I woke this morning I no longer felt like I was dead so I took that as a good sign and plotted my day. It quickly became apparent that Plan A (half-day at the office) was out so I went for Plan B. Move to the love seat and continue to rest until around 11:00. Drink plenty of Gatorade to totally hydrate then make a dash for the shower. (Skip all cosmetic rituals. Focus only on totally essential cleaning. I didn't even attempt to curl my hair.) Proceed to eat some lunch, take a nap to rejuvenate and then announce to my family that I would need a ride to church. Because I am, after all, Wonder Woman in Pentecostal attire, right?!

I can already hear those of you who have dealt with bronchitis; you are bent over double laughing at me! Yep, I knew it. Smile. I would be laughing too, except it would start the coughing again. And right now, I want to avoid coughing at all costs. The middle part of me which I affectionately refer to as "jelly roll" is in excruciating pain. And with each cough comes the agonizing decision: "Do I hold my head which has stabbing pain or my jelly roll which continues to spasm after the coughing spell?" Sigh.

So I will take a coherent moment and share with you dear friends a couple of the observations I've made over the past few days of interment.

  1. I've said for years that there's nothing on TV worth watching; I now have proof. There is nothing on TV worth watching! And every commercial uses teen-agers posing as adults to sell things no teen-ager would ever want if it wasn't guaranteed to make them a lot of money advertising for it.
  2. Bella and Gracie are undoubtedly the laziest creatures that God ever allowed to utilize four legs! Until this week, I had supposed that the two of them chase each other happily around the house all day; jumping and playing until we finally arrive home; shower them with the affection they crave; at which time they collapse contentedly on the floor. Nope. Collapsed on the floor is pretty much what they do all day long! (That is if they aren't barking like idiots at every grasshopper in the front yard.)
  3. Mary Kay really is my very best friend in all the world! I have not consulted with my friend these three days because, why waste it? Yeah, at this stage of my life, every day is a Mary Kay day and should be viewed as an investment not a waste. I've glanced in the mirror and startled myself several times in this make-up-less state. When Frank says he loves me just the way I am, he must really mean it!
  4. I finally had time to carefully peruse the sales flier Belk sent out to entice men to purchase things for their wives for Mother's Day that the wives never said they wanted in the first place. May I just say, the women they photographed for that flier are NOT to be confused with real moms! (Refer back to teen-agers in TV ads.) I had time to sit and study those little cuties and I did not see one single stretch mark or spider vein resulting from pregnancy. There were no dark circles, not a single set of blood-shot eyes indicating a night spent with a sleepless toddler. And not one, no not even one, little Barbiesque model revealed so much as a hint of cellulite - anywhere! No ladies and gentlemen, those are not real mothers. I know they have children in the background but please note that those children are blurred so as to keep hidden the fact that they look nothing at all like the little models in the foreground. Hmmmm!
  5. Finally, I don't think chicken soup does a thing to help the infirm-ed! I know that everyone gives reports to the contrary. But really, at this point in the process, I think it's all just a bunch of hype and false hope. I've consumed huge quantities of liquid laced with poultry and even some vegetables -- still coughing! Sigh.
In conclusion, I must simply remind myself how thankful I am that three days out of commission is nothing compared to what so many of my friends have encountered and some continue to experience. So, I'll stop the whining and look forward to feeling better soon.

Thanks for listening!


  1. I'm just happy to know you took a few days off-even though those days were accompanied by jelly roll aching and incessant coughing. But you got to really scrutinize the Belk ads so your time wasn't really wasted now, was it?

    Love you!

  2. I love this! Not because you're sick...but because when you're sick you're sarcastic. AND! because I love lists. Hope you're feeling better, wonderful Pastor :)

  3. Sheri I have had the same thing along with a sinus infection for the last week or so. It sure hasn't been fun. Hope we both get better soon.

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